Sunday, July 15, 2007

Bermuda triangle found hovering over D'oH Broadway!

Public Housing tenants previously dismissed as crackpots when claiming that something weird was going down at Broadway D'OH have been vindicated.

Now scientists think they have the answer, thanks to the investigations of Urbanologist, Dr Desiderata Hauser.

Dr Hauser had long
puzzled over one of the enduring mysteries of 21st century science: "Why hasn't anything gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle for yonks??? Where has it gone?"

Hearing persistant reports of a communications blackhole in the vicinity of Broadway, Dr Hauser followed a hunch, and investigating further, found that D'oH tenants in the Inner West repeatedly claimed that:

  • phone calls into the Broadway system are never returned
  • promises that "your CSO is out in the field but will call back this afternoon" fly out the window never to be heard of again
  • team leaders vanish without trace
  • no one has seen a CSO or a team leader since 2003 anyway
  • rent subsidy forms promised for "tomorrow's" mail never arrive
  • returned rent subsidy forms simply vanish
  • maintenance contractors reportedly "coming tomorrow" are never heard of again
Rather than dismissing these claims as the ravings of layabouts trying to rort the system, or mentally ill bozos who wouldn't know if they were flying blind in a vortex anyway, Dr DH redoubled her investigations.

That was when she noticed a strange phenomenon high in the stratosphere directly over D'oH's Broadway HQ. It appeared to be some kind of whirlwind made up of little unidentified flying rectangular objects.

A quick squizz from the Hubble telescope revealed that the UFOS were in fact millions of Post-It and "While You Were Out" notes circulating in a cloud of hot air and broken promises.

"Suddenly," Dr DH reports, "it all clicked! I immediately recognised this stratospheric anomaly as being none other than the long lost Administrative Arm of the Bermuda Triangle!"

Dr DH's further investigations revealed the exact pathway of this disturbing phenomenon. It seems that when D'oH call centres receive a message, they either write it on a Post-It note and stick it on the nearest computer screen, or else they fill out a "While you were out" docket and leave it on the relevant officer's desk.

To all outward appearances, a simple and ingenious communications strategy. But unfortunately there was a serious flaw in the system:

Ever night, the cleaners open the windows to air the premises!

That's when the Bermuda Triangle does its dastardly work. In less time than it takes to evaluate a feasability study, it simply sucks all the hopes and prayers of the tenant body straight up into that big admin section in the sky, there to circulate eternally in bureaucratic limbo!

The Hauser Report's Final Recommendation:

D'oH should either close the windows, or get a computer-based office communications strategy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Got to give 'em credit: it's a different way of dodging those nasty auditable paper trails from Kafkalink's 'puter-based impenetrability.

Worse yet, I cannot suggest any answers that don't involve risk or lots of hurty noises.

Still ,thanks for describing the maelstrom of ineptitude so vividly.