Why the Houso Diary is past its use by date

DH has had to face up to the depressing question of who reads this blog. While she flatters herself that the Diary is avidly sought out by the vanguard of the Houso Intelligentsia, Sitemeter reveals a more tragic reality: most of her visitors appear to be senior citizens from Boca Raton, Florida, wanting information about sex with dentures. Yes, DH's heartfelt political manifesto, Wake up and smell the bad breath: Something Rotten in the State of Howard's Australia , on the Howard Government's despicable funding cuts to dental services, has turned her into the first port of call for halitosis sufferers and denture fetishists the world over.

DH long ago stopped having much of a go at the Department of Housing. It's not their fault that Howard and Co, in their 10 year reign, transferred $3 BILLION dollars from Public Housing into the pockets of private landlords, with predictable results: inflated rents and housing shortages. In DH's experience, most Housing Department staff are dedicated people working hard to drag a behemoth of a department full of aging, poor quality housing stock into the 21st century.

The NSW Government's response, "Reshaping Public Housing", a seemingly lame-brained attempt to squeeze the shortfall out of society's poorest, has fallen off everyone's radar, and will remain so until the first round of evictions of tenants on fixed term contracts. What a shindig we'll have then! The Ministers for Tenant Bashing, Joe Tripodi and Cherie Burton, have been rolled and the new Minister has not upset anyone as yet... talking about the new Minister, has anyone seen him lately, or at all? Should someone send out a St Bernards? A free latte to the first person who can remember his name...

Bermuda triangle found hovering over D'oH Broadway!

Public Housing tenants previously dismissed as crackpots when claiming that something weird was going down at Broadway D'OH have been vindicated.

Now scientists think they have the answer, thanks to the investigations of Urbanologist, Dr Desiderata Hauser.

Dr Hauser had long puzzled over one of the enduring mysteries of 21st century science: "Why hasn't anything gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle for yonks??? Where has it gone?"

Hearing persistant reports of a communications blackhole in the vicinity of Broadway, Dr Hauser followed a hunch, and investigating further, found that D'oH tenants in the Inner West repeatedly claimed that:

• phone calls into the Broadway system are never returned
• promises that "your CSO is out in the field but will call back this afternoon" fly out the window never to be heard of again
• team leaders vanish without trace
• no one has seen a CSO or a team leader since 2003 anyway
  
• rent subsidy forms promised for "tomorrow's" mail never arrive
• returned rent subsidy forms simply vanish
• maintenance contractors reportedly "coming tomorrow" are never heard of again

Rather than dismissing these claims as the ravings of layabouts trying to rort the system, or mentally ill bozos who wouldn't know if they were flying blind in a vortex anyway, Dr DH redoubled her investigations.

That was when she noticed a strange phenomenon high in the stratosphere directly over D'oH's Broadway HQ. It appeared to be some kind of whirlwind made up of little unidentified flying rectangular objects.

A quick squizz from the Hubble telescope revealed that the UFOS were in fact millions of Post-It and "While You Were Out" notes circulating in a cloud of hot air and broken promises.

"Suddenly," Dr DH reports, "it all clicked! I immediately recognised this stratospheric anomaly as being none other than the long lost Administrative Arm of the Bermuda Triangle!"

Dr DH's further investigations revealed the exact pathway of this disturbing phenomenon. It seems that when D'oH call centres receive a message, they either write it on a Post-It note and stick it on the nearest computer screen, or else they fill out a "While you were out" docket and leave it on the relevant officer's desk.

To all outward appearances, a simple and ingenious communications strategy. But unfortunately there was a serious flaw in the system:

Ever night, the cleaners open the windows to air the premises!

That's when the Bermuda Triangle does its dastardly work. In less time than it takes to evaluate a feasability study, it simply sucks all the hopes and prayers of the tenant body straight up into that big admin section in the sky, there to circulate eternally in bureaucratic limbo!

The Hauser Report's Final Recommendation:

D'oH should either close the windows, or get a computer-based office communications strategy.

The "Cain't get Mah Rental Subsidy Form" Blues

DH is worried that some of her fans in the D'oH might be feeling neglected because they haven't copped a mention in months.
It's simple. The system works well as long as tenants are unemployed, the money circulates quite happily via direct debits between Centrelink and the D'oH, without any need for the middleman, the tenant.

D'oH has no problems with people being unemployed. It's when someone gets a job that the department goes into fibrillation, especially if that job involves income that varies from week to week.

As the appalling prospect of employment looms for DH, her wishlist from the Department is

• a speedy online and/or telephone income reporting system: report now and document later
• quick response on the new rent payable to avoid a backlog of rent arrears
• finding a way of not "outing" public housing tenants to their new employers

instead of the current 30 Point Plan (based on a compilation of everything that has happened to DH this year).

See next pos for this simple plan:

DOH's Simple 30 Step Plan for Income Reporting

1. Tenant rings D'oH to to notify them of new employment
2. The call centre promises to put the appropriate form, the Rental Subsidy Form into the mail.
3. Next day, the form does not arrive.
4. A week later, tenant who is busy trying to impress employers in new job and doesnt have time to keep ringing DOH, rings again to enquire "Where is my Rental Subsidy form?".
5. Go to Step 2. Keep going to step two until several weeks pass.
6. Form finally arrives.
7. Form now lies mouldering in bottom of tenant's handbag while s/he is distracted by demands of new job
8. Tenant smites forehead, having just noticed crumb-encrusted form at bottom of handbag.
9. Feeling reluctant to out herself as a houso when her new employer still thinks she's a pillar of the community, decides she might just wait a bit.
10. Tenant bites bullet and is referred to company accountant, who is invariably on leave for another 2 weeks, and has more important things to catch up with when they get back than worry about about some houso's pathetic form.
11. Tenant hassles accountant for another week until form finally rubber stamped
12. Form now lies mouldering in handbag for another week, because tenant is out of habit of using snail mail.
13. Plus, let us be perfectly frank, tenant has just started work after a period of barely subsistence income. Tenant needs new work clothes, has lost transport and medication subsidies, the creditors have all come home to roost, the tenant has a bit of money in her hands, and is in no hurry to be pushed back to a level of disposable income that's only a few dollars more than s/he on the carer's pension. For those of you in the know, TEIS, the Tenant Employment Incentive Scheme has not kicked in because this is not the tenant's first short-term contract this year. So tenant uses the system in the same way as the rich guys, and hope that when the rent bill catches up with her some deus-ex-machina will save her
14. Tenant finally posts the form to DoH
15. Tenant waits longer than seems reasonable for a response from Department
16. Still no word from Department
17. Tenant rings up Department
18. Department is required by law to have lost any record of tenants ever calling them on any matter
19. Department promises to pass on urgent message to team leader who is "out visiting sites".
20. Team leader doesn't call back. (Repeat steps 15 thru 16 n times, or till patience wears out)
21. Eventually another form is accquired by circuitous means: try influence peddling, weeping, threatening self-harm, contacting local member,
22. Go through rigmarole with employer's accountant again (Go to step 6)
23. Finally hand deliver the form to DOH just to be on the safe side
24. DOH takes another surprisingly long time to work out new rent
25. Start paying rent plus arrears, unless a particularly zealous CSO, acting on new slash-and-burn ministerial directive, decides its time the tenant was taught a lesson and has 'em hauled before the CTT (The Tribunal)
26. Tenant realises that the rent calculation was wrong. D'oH calculates the rent 3 different ways, and it never comes out the same.
27. After much head-scratching and whispered background consulting with superiors, the correct formula is negotiated over the next couple of days.
28. By this time, tenant's contract has ended and s/he is unemployed again.
    But now, she must pay rent on an income s/he is no longer earning, having already spent the rent money on the items listed in point 12.
29. Get next job, hopefully soon.
30. Go straight to Step 1. Do not collect Rental Subsidy form, that comes much later ...