Saturday, December 23, 2006

A Christmas Carol for Our Times

or, What the Dickens is this country coming to?

Mummy, who are the Merry Gentlemen in the picture?
Hush darling and eat your Christmas gruel.

But mummy, why do the gentlemen look so merry?
Because they have a Monopoly of the Government which means they can do whatever they want.

Can they stay up as late as they want and never have to go to sleep?
Hush now darling, and let me tuck you in. Mummy has to go to work now.

But Mummy, it's Christmas!
Yes, darling, but Mummy traded away her Christmas holiday to buy you your lovely gruel, remember?

B-b-but mummy, I don't like my gruel anymore.
Yes darling I know, but after Mummy paid the mean landlord from the D'oH 30% of her wages, plus 30% to the ATO, plus 6% to HECS and 4% to repay her Austudy Supplement Loan, and on top of that because she is a contractor, 9% of her wage to fund her own super, she had to spend the rest of her wages on buying your drinking water, so she didnt have any money left over to buy turnips this year.

Mummy, will we have turnips for Christmas next year, do you think, if I am very, very good?
Yes sweetie, because Mummy has joined a Union, and they will fight for our right to eat turnips every year!

What's a Union, Mummy?
Well, once upon a time, long long ago, when the land was flowing with latte and honey, before everyone worked 60 hours a week with no overtime or penalty rates, for $3.50 an hour, Unions used to fight for our Rights.

What are "Rights", Mummy?
SHH!!! Don't ask so many questions! Someone might hear us! And anyway, mummy can't remember anymore

But how did the unions fight for our Rights, Mummy?
Well darling they used to go out on this thing called a strike.

Could we go out on a stwike, Mummy?
No darling, we would have to pay a big big fine, like a billion zillion trillion dollars, and the mean men could put us in jail.

Don't worry mummy. I'm going to SHOOT those mean men with my GREAT BIG BLASTERATOR, and I'm going to buy you as many turnips as you can eat EVERY Christmas!

Suddenly, a mighty crashing and banging is heard from the chimney:

And then, in a twinkling, was heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of many a hoof,
As mother and child were turning around,
Down the chimney a figure leapt out with a bound


We have reason to believe that you have been spreading SEDITION and inciting a minor to call the Prime Minister a "Nasty Little Meanie". And I'll take that Blasterator, Sonny. One more stwike and you're out!

As for you, valued Centrelink Customer, No. CRN 125 904 038, it has come to our attention that you do not have a Treating Practitioners Report in triplicate explaining why you are late for work. Therefore the terms of your individual contract are now void.

Thanks to Government Reforms making Australia Fairer,
You're Breached!

And with that, the SAS storm trooper tore the workhouse ID tag off the Mummy's ankle, and smashed his way out through the front door.

I'm scared Mummy.
Don't worry darling. We'll go down to Vinnies, and we might be able to convince the nice old 12 Step Veterans down there to give us some yummy tins of recycled beetroot and creamed corn, some No Frills tuna in bilge, and if we're very lucky, even some instant mashed potato flakes!!!! Now wont that be fun?!

Season's Greetings
One and All

This is Australia,

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